i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
