can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize