Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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