I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
