I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
