So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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