My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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