I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
