I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She even gives head with a lisp.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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