some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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