Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
This is the high leading the old right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
