i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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