I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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