i don't like sucking hair
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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