the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
