I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
