Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
