I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
