im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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