Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i think i have two assholes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize