Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
