Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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