A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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