Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
