You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And then my night got REAL pukey
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
