did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
