just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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