Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
