Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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