i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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