you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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