MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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