i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
