We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
