THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
