he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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