70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize