So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
