I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
