if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
