I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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