Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize