I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
