Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize