so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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