so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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