Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
