What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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