Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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