I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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