oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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