ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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