So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize