I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
