I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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