my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
