break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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