A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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