you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
