I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
