I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
