he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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