Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His hands were made for my vagina.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
